Seeing my past

I am back in London and feeling rather out of place. I have been in France for 5 weeks in a row and maybe it is taking longer than usual to get back into the pace of the big city. It's not the noise, or the traffic, or the sheer volume of people or the restricted size of our London apartment compared to the French one - all those are the obvious physical differences - it is something less tangible and more surreal.

Take this very moment, for instance. I am at work, yet I am not. The business that I work for is run out of an office located on the first floor of a warehouse building in Shoreditch. The joint owner of the business, and managing director, lives with her partner and children in the apartment located on the two floors above - a classic live / work scenario. The office was once an apartment so has a bedroom at the rear of the space.

I have a key to the building and the office so that I can let myself in as necessary. This morning there was no-one in the office when I arrived, which is not unusual. I got my computer out, picked up my post and paperwork from my in-tray and settled down to catching up on what had been going on. But something wasn't right. It was the gentle sound of snoring coming from the bedroom no more than 10 feet away from where I was sat. This made me feel rather uncomfortable and a little intrusive.

Now, my MD is a very good friend so I decided to go upstairs to the apartment. The door was open but nobody appeared to be home. I called her mobile but no reply. She could be asleep upstairs for all I know but I am not going to find out. It feels to me like the morning after a very big night before, the sort of big night that used to blight my life in London. It feels very odd to walk into this scene, as I said, very surreal - I feel like I have been transported in to look at my past from the outside. The strange thing is I have felt absolutely no pressure from my past either ahead of this visit or since I arrived. The most important thing on my mind was seeing my wife and continuing to try and heal our relationship - something which I feel, know, needs time and patience.

The other thing on my mind was catching up on work after being away for five weeks and now, I feel slightly irked that half a day has been wasted. Maybe I am getting there after all. I certainly hope so.